S1B3 The Weight of the Snail Helm

In this special bonus episode we see the first meeting of two of our unflappable crewmembers. In a small bar, Teagan struggles with his illiteracy while a helping hand comes from the most unexpected place...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Yeah, exactly. I don't need that shit. I'm putting that in the n category, alright? We're not doing it.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Alright, so we can't talk about a c Your or I mean Jesus, man. You're giving me little to work with here. Yeah, I'm I'm all out I tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas. This is just this is just cancel culture. I can't make jokes about anything.

SPEAKER_04 0:24

And with that we'll start the music.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

Hey, I'm Garrett, and I played Tekan St. James, the pilot of the Ryzen.

SPEAKER_05 1:25

Hey, um, Qualo. Crap. Hey! Why can't we get through one of these?

SPEAKER_02 1:36

It happened once. Uh hey, I'm Eugene, and I play Qualo, the science officer of the Ryzen. And don't drink helium, kids.

SPEAKER_04 1:48

In this bonus episode, we find ourselves on the Ryzen, pulling into a small roadlet called the Herald Lesser, an inner Imperian trading post shaped like a broken, open beehive.

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Yo, Sweeney we're coming in. Um, can you go ahead and and and help me out here? The uh we're running really low on fuel and uh it's gonna be a little bumpy. Uh I'm gonna need your help coming in on this one.

SPEAKER_04 2:12

Well, Tegan, we wouldn't be low on fuel if we would just use the navigation table.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Darling, I told you before. The damn thing's broken.

SPEAKER_04 2:22

While you're talking, uh you hit uh the local reality and you fly upward and hit the ceiling of the bridge.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Oh, okay, I deserve that one.

SPEAKER_04 2:34

Oh, sorry about that.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

That's alright. I should have been wearing my seatbelt. Uh Tegan rubs his head and uh you know adjusts his uh hat so it sits square again. Alright. We'll we'll set her in nice and gentle as he brings the rising in onto uh the smaller core blazer port of Harold Letter. Uh well, at least we're still in the inner period and the prices for Essentia are not they're not gonna go just too damn bad. He will uh after he sets the rising down, uh he'll get up and he wanders over to the little nook in the bridge and he pulls out a bunch of dream charts and he's looking at them and he spreads it out over the the navigation table and he's getting really frustrated by it. I'm telling you, darling, this this table's been broken ever since this ship's been put back into commission. We no I got it to work. Glitch ain't been able to get it to work. All the things good for is eating my damn sandwiches when I'm not looking.

SPEAKER_04 3:33

Tegan, it eat your sandwiches because you don't feed it. And it doesn't work for you because you never learned. You won't train on it. I'm gonna go ahead and let Tabitha and Glitch know that they should go get fuel, okay?

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Alright, yeah. No, no, you're right. Uh yeah, I'm gonna go try to make some sense of these here charts. I I uh I'll be back.

SPEAKER_04 3:56

He can just learn to use the table.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

I I'm uh uh and he like gathers up all of the the dream charts in a in a big bundle in his hands, and he heads out because he knows that there's a a nice little bar here at Harold Lesser that's uh he wants to head to called the snail pale. Nice. Thanks. Um we're gonna keep this whole mollusk bar thing going. So uh he heads down and uh goes into town a little ways to find the snail pail. Still pretty pissed, uh just frustrated in general at this because you know they're they're already not making enough money, uh the fuel costs are going up, and the FTR drive's leaky as it is, so he's just getting frustrated that he's not clearing enough money. Uh so he sits down in the bar and starts spreading out the dream charts.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

So you walk into the snail pair, and it is uh a long bar that's pretty narrow, and there's uh table spokes into the wall on one side, and then a long row of seats against the bar with just a thin aisle that you can see uh someone is going up and down delivering drink orders very quickly. The actual bartender, there doesn't seem to be anybody behind the bar right now, they might be in the back. There are all kinds of uh wacky acutrema on the wall. See you, what is the main kind of weird decoration that they have? Like what's the theme?

SPEAKER_00 5:21

Oh, it's uh it's it's really, really bad taxidermy.

SPEAKER_04 5:27

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Like the worst.

SPEAKER_04 5:29

Okay. Yeah, so you can see the seams. And uh like it's uh googly eyes for the eyes.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Yeah, instead of the the realistic one because everything's got googly eyes.

SPEAKER_04 5:40

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Um so you're at the bar, you have the the chart spread out in front of you. You can tell conspicuously that Josephine has shut off her calm. And you're I guess you're waiting for the bartender. Hey, can I take your order?

unknown 5:59

Huh?

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Oh, uh yeah, uh what's the local favorite here?

SPEAKER_02 6:07

Oh, well, everyone orders an escar grog. An escar grog? Uh the finest fittles in the snail tail.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

Uh I immediately regret our mall's theme bars.

SPEAKER_04 6:25

Uh the life the libation you can't escape.

unknown 6:30

Alright.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

Uh well, yeah, I'll take one of those. Uh thank you kindly. As he starts to like look at the dream charts.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Yep. Uh I walk away and a minute later come back with an escar grog for him and for me. You know, they really do capture the googly eyes of the filliness googliest of the Maximus left particular crime really well. That is a quality taxidermy job. What? I point to an animal behind you. It's a really good job. Have you ever been there? It's I mean, that thing looks like it could just jump right off that wall and eat a chair, which they are prone to do.

SPEAKER_00 7:16

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

SPEAKER_04 7:18

Uh, could you give us a visual description of that swallow?

SPEAKER_02 7:23

Okay, so imagine basically a cat-like creature, but it has kangaroo legs on the front and the back, and it has a giraffe neck and a kind of a hippo head. I mean, it's all in proportion, right? It's not like a hippo-sized head. This is all in proportion. And the hippo head has three eyes on it that look like googly eyes, like the real animal has googly eyes.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

Some fan who tries to do fan art of this is gonna be like cursing your name. They're gonna be like, Why did I even start this project?

SPEAKER_02 7:55

So it's a cat, right? With kangaroo legs, a giraffe neck, and a hippopotamus head with googly eyes. With three googly eyes? Mm-hmm. That's a really great text, Jeremy.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

Uh, I mean, if if you say so, uh, I I haven't really had pleasure of going to that place where you said with those things and those words that I think I understood.

SPEAKER_02 8:17

You haven't? It's right there on that chart you're looking at.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

Uh Tegan looks down at the chart and he like holds a finger over like a place with a like a huh?

SPEAKER_01 8:29

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Turn your finger upside down. Uh, and he like rotates his wrist and he's like ow. Uh like that, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:37

What? Or I guess you could turn the paper the other way if your limbs don't work like that.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

He slowly starts to turn the paper what he thinks is upside down, like that.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Yeah, now you get it. See, so there is left particular prime, and then there's the orca sphere, and um, I'm not sure what that sigil says, but uh, you know, can't know everything. Oh, so you uh you know how to three these good? Um, yeah, there's not much tool. There's you know, there's seasky coordinates, right? You can see that these three little sigils are the seaside coordinates. It tells you how far from the crux, and then it gives you an up, a down, and a sideways. And then besides the the sort of the coordinates, you also see some uh what are they called? They're called the sea sky thoroughfares or tides, they're called the tides, and if you catch one of them, so you will see fuel by getting it.

SPEAKER_04 9:38

Someone is frantically waving uh a hand, and they'll be like, uh, Garcon, Garçon, we need more S-Cog Rocks over here.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Oh, uh, yes. Uh yeah, if you don't why don't you come talk to me after your shift? I mean, I'd really like some help with this. My shift.

SPEAKER_04 9:58

And just as Qualo says that, someone comes out from behind a curtain and enters the bar.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Oh, by Harold the Lesser, the Greater, and the Mighty Medium. Qualo Nassim Diserber, you get out of here.

SPEAKER_02 10:14

Sorry, sorry, sorry, fat Jimmy. I know, I know. And I jump over the side of the bar to where Tegan is.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Fat Jimmy, huh? And uh Tegan size is a bartender.

SPEAKER_04 10:25

Uh, it is a very, very portly ribbon.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

Huh. Alright, sorry, I thought you uh were related to a guy now.

SPEAKER_03 10:31

Get the hell out of here! Sorry, you can't pretend to work here. But but I I Okay, can we just buy our drinks then?

SPEAKER_02 10:39

Uh, if you're buying drinks, yeah. Yeah. I'll pay for these two.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Yeah, and uh I'll I'll I'll get another round for the both of us and I'll I'll pay for that one. Uh and then I want to like, you know, uh usher this new person, Qualo. Apparently does Nar Murmursh. I didn't I didn't really catch his last name, to like one of the little side booths and then like take the dream charts with me. Uh I'll go with him. Hey, so I'm Qualo. Tegan. Uh Tegan St. James. It's a pleasure to meet you, Qualo. We'll see about that. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Um hey, speaking of knowing each other. Tegan immediately gets he gets a little like weird, like what? Huh? I I don't normally get second drinks with people. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_04 11:20

So, there's something very striking about him. You've seen many, many creatures out in the Imperium, but this guy stands out to you in that he has striking, solid gold eyes.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Hey, you got some uh rather unique uh papers there, friend. I gotta admit, I haven't quite seen anyone that's quite like you before. Uh where where are you where are you in hell from?

SPEAKER_02 11:45

Oh, uh I'm from the Essential Commune at the City of the Crux.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Oh, really? You don't say? Yeah. I knew a fella from there once, uh name uh uh Barnabas. You knew Barnabas? Yeah. He traveled with us for a while and uh he knew quite a bit about all sorts of strange old antiques and and archaeological stuff and things like that. He was he was a real smart fella.

SPEAKER_02 12:11

Yeah, Barnabas was my PE teacher.

unknown 12:14

Ha ha ha!

SPEAKER_02 12:16

Projectile edifices, it was one of my uh favorite courses.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

Well, uh I mean, I guess it's uh in the infinite sea sky, apparently, things he can say. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 12:30

Sometimes you just gotta put a building in space. It's uh, you know, it's I'm telling you, it's an up-and-science. It's the next big thing.

SPEAKER_00 12:37

Huh. What are the odds? Yeah, no, uh, Barnabas. I mean, we we traveled together on the same crew for you know a couple of years, actually. Uh I used to listen to him tell stories all the time and explain things. That's that's really crazy, meeting another person from the uh the Ascension commune. Yeah, there's a few of us.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Uh, I'm on my turnaround, actually. Oh, what's that? So it's this thing where you get your name on your nomad today. Uh that's where I got the Nasim Dasabi. And then I just kind of got the urge to leave and go around the Imperium and then learn things for myself.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Oh, okay, yeah. Old Wanderland, I I completely understand. I get the same kind of feeling.

SPEAKER_02 13:19

I've been told that someday I'll get the urge to go back, and then and then that's when you have kids and stuff like that. Uh, you know, we'll see.

unknown 13:29

Oh.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Eagan kind of looks uh a bit wistfully at that phrase. So why did you and Barnabas uh split up? Uh you know, uh I'm not really sure. One day we uh we landed and uh he was just kind of gone. I've always kind of wondered what happened to him.

SPEAKER_02 13:50

He came home and and taught PE?

SPEAKER_00 13:53

Oh, I mean that would be great. Uh I'm really happy to hear that he actually like went back to the commune and found his way home. I figured he might have gotten eaten by something. He liked to explore weird places.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

Well, he I mean he might have gotten eaten by something, but still made it home. Although, minus a couple fingers. Do you just travel the sea sky kind of randomly?

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Oh, so uh I work for a uh scrapping company. We got a ship out there, and we go out and do salvage work. It's not glorious, but uh pays the bills. Uh and I kind of turn and point out the window, and I'm like, yeah, you see uh right there at the edge of the blazer port? Uh you just see the back end of the ship there, that's the rising.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

So Fat Jimmy will come and bring you your guest car grocks that you had ordered. Thanks. And he's gonna up his chin at you, Tegan, as uh thank you for keeping this guy in line, and then head back behind the bar.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

Tegan tips his hat a little bit to the bartender, you know.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

Round two is always better than round one. There's already a slime trail for it to follow.

SPEAKER_03 15:02

No, no, Eugene!

SPEAKER_04 15:06

Oh, quite classes with oh my stomach. Cheers to that. Cheers to that. So, you guys are a couple of drinks in, and you spill some of your S-card Rog on one of your star charts, Tegan.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

Damn it. And he's like mopping it up with his like uh his uh bandana, takes it off his neck, and starts like trying to mop it up. These things, I swear. Uh-leaky FTR drive, can't read his damn dream charts.

SPEAKER_02 15:47

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, yeah. Um you have a ship and you're using parchment star charts. Uh I I'm all for doing things, you know, in a quirky way sometimes, but that seems like really old-fashioned way to navigate. Uh, I mean there's lots of better ways to do it nowadays.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Yeah, I mean the navigation table on the on the ship's busted. Uh it's it's a pretty old ship. I mean, there's been a lot of it being cobbled together over time, and the thing never got working again. We got a really good mechanic, she couldn't figure it out how to do it. Uh, I think things just busted. We don't really have the money to get a new one. So, yeah, we're we're using these for now. Uh, our our Nava Dreamer is really good. She can get just about anywhere. It's just the amount of time it's taken. Just eating into our costs, burning all this extra fuel.

SPEAKER_02 16:41

Oh, yeah, you gotta catch those tides, man. That's the way to go. Another round of Scar Grogs is put on the table.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah, I can definitely tell what you're talking about. They get easier. These things are going down quick now.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

Yeah, that's right. If you drink uh eight of them, you get a free snail helmet.

SPEAKER_04 16:59

Well, that sounds like that's a challenge. Uh, at the end of the bar, you see a guy with a snail helmet uh with one eye open, gives you a thumbs up and he's like, it's good!

SPEAKER_00 17:13

Alright, I'll I'll tell you what. I want one of them hats. And uh I'll tell you what. How about we have a little contest here? We've been matching the drinks right now, and we're both at three now. You said it takes eight to get the hat? I say a little wager on the table. If I can beat you to getting the eight drinks and getting that hat. By drinking the drinks, not just go taking it off of that gentleman over there.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Wallow comes back to the table and sits down.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

You gotta be our navigator. But I can't pay you so you have to do it for free.

SPEAKER_02 17:55

Uh what do I get if I beat you? Uh uh. I know, I know. If you beat me, I'm your your navigator. But if I beat you, I get the ship, and you're my pilot. What?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

I'd have to I'd have to be some kind of idiot to do that.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

Uh all right, round four.

SPEAKER_05 18:21

We're going for the helmet.

SPEAKER_04 18:25

So, after you make this bet, you wave over Fat Jimmy, and he starts bringing over drinks, and your gold starts flowing out of your pocket. After people like realize what you're doing, they start to like gather around you. You can hear there's a small crowd behind Follow going, Gerson, Gar Song! And uh at some point behind you, Tegan, Tabitha and Glitch show up. Tabitha is way deep already in the Scar Grogs, and you don't even remember her getting there ordering them. And of course Glitch is holding a cup of coffee that is uh nearly like pitcher sized that she's drinking from. They do not seem pleased at all. But you can tell from the looks on their faces when you squint your eyes that they have no idea that you're in the middle of a wager. Tabitha will wave, glitch says nothing or does nothing. Okay. That's on Brain, that makes sense. Okay. So you guys are on drink number seven. What is the feeling in Qualo's stomach right now on his seventh S-Card rock?

SPEAKER_02 19:31

The feeling in his stomach is uh is like the Gravitron. Everything is spinning so fast that all the material has gone to the sides and is crawling up the stomach walls ever so slowly and dangerously.

SPEAKER_04 19:46

Uh, gross. Tegan, you are pretty inebriated. You furt out a memory about Barnabas that is something that you wouldn't have said out loud if you weren't seven Skar Grogs in. What is the thing about Barnabas that you reveal?

SPEAKER_00 20:05

He was He was better than my own father. He was better. He was better than me than my own father. I think I loved him.

SPEAKER_04 20:15

With that, the bar goes quiet at that admission, and another S-Card is set in front of each of you. And then Fat Jimmy sets between you the snail pale helmet. Can I get a strength roll? And how we're gonna do this is that whoever rolls higher will be the one who managed to finish that last ring. How's that sound?

SPEAKER_05 20:39

Okay. Okay, I like it. Alright, strength. Uh taken's pretty good strength. I like it. Um can I use my campfire cowboy experience? What how does it relate to a campfire cowboy? Okay, I I mean I you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, okay. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 20:57

Can I use my jeans or a hot mess experience?

SPEAKER_04 21:00

Uh so that what is it? The other half of that is and I'm a hot mess. My jeans are a hot mess, and so are my jeans. Would you say that right now your jeans are messy?

SPEAKER_02 21:10

Uh well, no, my finesse is too high. I no, I am a neat drinker.

SPEAKER_04 21:15

Okay. Alright, then you're going for one of the three.

SPEAKER_05 21:17

Sounds like I got a fourteen.

SPEAKER_04 22:00

Okay. You slowly open your eyes uh to what looks like blindingly harsh light, uh but it's just like the tiny bulb in your room on the ship. And you have a towel over your forehead uh and you can hear Josephine moving around, she's like holding a shirt and putting it away. And he goes, Oh, you're awake.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Oh hey, hey darling, you're you're out of the tube. Hey.

SPEAKER_04 22:29

Well, you seem like you needed the help.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

Oh no, I'm fine. I'm f How long was this? How long was I out?

SPEAKER_04 22:38

Tegan, it's been three days.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Three days? And he like rips the towel off his face. Three days, and he tries to sit up, but he's like way too drunk, and so he immediately like spins. He's like, whoa, okay, whoa, whoa.

SPEAKER_04 22:52

She shakes her head in disapproval. Anyway, you need to get on the bridge. You need to pilot the ship in the protocols to you.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Um I'm just gonna I wanna grab some coffee real quick.

SPEAKER_04 23:11

And uh this? She uh holds up the snail pail helmet. What did you wanna do with this?

SPEAKER_00 23:20

Oh, I can I can I can take that, I can put that in I gotta place right here in my locker. I think it like starts to feel like a little pro wait, what?

SPEAKER_04 23:30

No. This was I was told to put it someplace communal. You don't remember what happened?

SPEAKER_00 23:36

Uh why wouldn't anyone put my helmet someplace communal I won? It's the last thing I remember was winning.

SPEAKER_04 23:44

Um She looks away. I think you're making that up a little bit. Telling yourself what you what you want to hear. As uh Glitch tells it, although she used a lot of very um intense language. She said that you and that other man you both finished your drinks at the exact same time and then you blacked out, and when you fell down you both clacked heads together. Fat Jimmy said he only had the one helmet, so he sat it on both of you guys' heads at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 24:18

Oh. Did did I win the hitbutt?

SPEAKER_04 24:22

She walks out of the room with the helmet.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

Uh, ma maybe put it near the shrine locker. Uh, I gotta get some coffee. Uh Tegan goes to the uh the the little mess hall, and he knows Glitch has always got like a pot of coffee going, so he pours himself one.

SPEAKER_04 24:38

So in the mess hall, there's a little bulkhead on the side, and reclining in it is one follow Nasim Jesabi. Oh.

SPEAKER_05 24:49

Hey there!

SPEAKER_04 24:52

Hey, finally awake.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Yeah, yeah, the uh that eighth snail. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Yeah. It'll get ya. Nice ship.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

Uh thanks.

SPEAKER_02 25:05

I've been walking around getting to know it.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Yeah. Let's head up to the bridge. Navigator, science officer, navascience man? You want some coffee? Ew no. Alright. And then Tegan starts to like usher him to the bridge. I'm already down the hallway.

SPEAKER_04 25:25

You notice as Qualo has somehow seemingly moved past you and is down the hallway, uh, that as he steps, he's leaving behind uh slimy snail-like footprints.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Well, that's gross. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 25:39

I try not to step at him as Tegan goes towards the bridge. Okay. Uh, so you do indeed get on the bridge uh and follow.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

I walk onto the bridge. Um, I'm holding a paper bag with cosmic bear nuggets. And you know, they're just a favorite snack of mine. I take a survey of the room, check it out, I look at the FDR encapsulation for Josephine and stuff like that, and I see the way too small space for Abitha. And then I see in the table this beautiful three-foot radius navigation table. And I walk up to it and I run my hands along it lovingly, like I caress the top of it.

SPEAKER_00 26:23

As Taton comes on the bridge, he's like, Yeah, that's uh it's broke as hell. Uh the dream charts are over there. And he like points before he settles into the pilot's chair with his coffee.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

It's broke. I run my hands along it, getting to know it. And at one point, I slip my hand underneath it, and there's a slot there, and it looks like there's it's being used to store like tissue papers and stuff like that. So I move them out of the way, and I put my hands in, uh, and I I feel it around and I open the table, and the surface iris is open to reveal a pool of water and some undulating skin. It's in a neutral position right now, uh, it's in its sleeping mode. So I turn on its lights to let it know that I'm here, and I'm talking to it, and I give it a bear nugget. The little beak comes out and eats the bear nugget and it purrs. And I look at Tegan and I say, This is wow! This is a mature humunculi oculus. I've only ever heard of these things. Man, I'm really glad to be on this ship right now.

SPEAKER_00 27:30

Tegan looks at Gualo, he's like, That's what's been eating my sandwiches?

SPEAKER_04 27:34

When you give it the bear nugget, you can tell that this thing has not been eating well. It's like near the point of starvation.

SPEAKER_02 27:39

Um yeah, I I I I feed it and I uh I mess with its interface a little bit more, and the image, the papalai and the chromatophores resolve into an image of the ship from the outside with a beautiful high-definition imaging of all of the nearby seasky space. And I look at Tegan and Josephine. Where are we going, Captain?

SPEAKER_00 28:02

Well, I'm not the captain, I'm the pilot.

SPEAKER_04 28:05

And Josephine, where are we going? And with that, we're gonna end the session. A special thanks to our sound team, to Darry to Press for creating Daggerheart, the awesome game we're playing, and to you, our incredible fans. Don't forget to like, subscribe, comment, five stars, follow, the whole thing. It's the number one way to help the show. Glosses of the Crux is part of the Witch He March universe. If you're interested in playing in any of the associated games, you can find them on startplaying.games. You can also join us on our Discord or follow us on Instagram, links for the doobly-doo, and we will see you next week.

SPEAKER_02 28:39

Everyone knows helium is best baked on a grill. What it is, this is the other thing.